How emotional activation changes changes your thinking and language If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. On Season 4 of The Ultimatum, Ashley and Blake had some confusing drama. They each accused the other of manipulation, gaslighting, disrespect, attacks, and by the end they could barely have a civil conversation. They also started their biggest argument already a l

I recently responded to a Reddit post from a woman who said that sex with her partner was usually great when it was spontaneous and playful, but recently, he has been watching her face closely, and asking, "Do you like that?" She knows he is trying to be attentive. Unfortunately, this scrutiny has had the opposite effect on her. She becomes hyper-aware of herself, starts feeling like she is being graded, and her body shuts down. If you’d like the full explanation, you can wat

An illustrated guide to the six capacities that make change possible Most relationship problems can be worked on — you can learn to communicate differently, become less defensive, manage anger better, or change a behavior that has been causing problems. But all of that requires a willingness and capacity to change.  I look for six things when I am trying to figure out whether someone is really capable of change — these elements spell the word  ASPIRE. You don’t need a perfe

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Almost every lie gets called gaslighting now, but that label is often inaccurate. There are many different types of lies — gaslighting is at an extreme end. I use the metaphor of a Lie Ladder to separate the different types of lies. It shows what each kind of lie is trying to accomplish, what it takes away from the other person, a

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. The Real Question It's a natural question to ask when your relationship is challenging: what if I'm the problem? Am I too critical, too needy, too controlling, too distant? I think there's a better, more useful question to ask — are you protecting yourself or are you open to connection? Every close relationship comes with real r

How connection can fade in long-term relationships — and what it takes to get it back If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Most couples who end up feeling like roommates got there gradually — so gradually that by the time you notice it, it’s been a problem for years. You're managing a household well, raising kids, and keeping things going, but at the end of the day,

A visual guide to what rebuilding actually looks like — and where you are in the process If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Why the map matters One of the hardest things about recovering from betrayal — whether that's an affair, addiction, or another kind of sustained deception — isn't the pain itself. It's not knowing where you are. One week you feel like you're m

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. The Relief of the Narcissism Label If you've been watching narcissism content online and are seeing patterns in your own relationship, that recognition is real. You might be recognizing the dismissiveness, the way your concerns get explained away, or the way your partner's priorities always seem to win. The videos put language to

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Most relationship advice sounds good in theory and falls apart the moment you're in the middle of a fight. What helps more is understanding the patterns underneath — why arguments get stuck, why you keep protecting yourself the same way, why some conversations land and others just make things worse. This guide walks through seven

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Kelvin thinks the relationship is great. Debbie is already thinking about a life without him. Neither of them is wrong — but that gap tells you a lot about what’s happening between them. When one partner’s world has been slowly expanding — their work, their dreams, their timeline — the other partner doesn't always push back. They

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Why This Matters Mike and Yasmin from Netflix's Blue Therapy came to therapy thinking their problem was money. But underneath the argument about debt and income and spending — two completely different crises were quietly running. Until you can see what's actually happening underneath, you can't know what actually needs to change.

Plus: why you keep falling for these tactics even when you can see them coming — and a three-step system to hold your ground. If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Why This Matters Most difficult conversations in relationships don't go wrong because of what was said. They go wrong because of what wasn't said — and what was done instead. When asking directly for what y

A visual guide to three conflict patterns — seen through the story of Viktor and Maria from Netflix's Blue Therapy. If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Viktor and Maria Viktor and Maria have been together for seven years. From the outside, their relationship looks solid — they have a shared life, a shared history, and genuine love for each other. So why are they in

Why Some Arguments Go Nowhere and What to Do Instead If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Why Some Arguments Stay Stuck When Daisy and Jay sit down in couples therapy for the first time, the fight is already in full swing. Daisy is furious that Jay got a sleeve tattoo the day after she gave birth. Jay says there were people at the hospital helping her. She talks over

4 Questions That Can Get You Out of a Recurring Fight If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Why this keeps happening If you and your partner have had the same argument more than a few times, it probably isn't because you don't love each other or because you're bad at communicating. It's because the conversation is stuck in a loop — and no one showed you where the exit

A visual guide to understanding where your relationship is — and what it takes to level up. If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Why Relationship Health Is Hard to See Most couples can tell when something feels off… but it’s much harder to say what is off, or what it would take to get somewhere better. Relationship health isn’t a single thing you either have or don’t

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened blog below. If you feel like you've been trying—really trying—and things still aren't getting better, you're not alone. A lot of the advice that circulates about conflict in relationships is well-intentioned, but it assumes that every difficult conversation is happening under the same emotional conditions. That assumption is where things break down. This

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Most relationships don’t suddenly become unhealthy. More often, the changes happen gradually. Tension gets handled differently. Affection that once felt natural begins to appear less often. Because these changes are subtle and very common, couples sometimes don’t notice them until the relationship already feels strained. As a cou

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below. Many couples receive the same advice: “You just need to communicate better.” But if you’ve ever tried to talk something through while you’re upset, you may have noticed something surprising: you say things you don’t mean, your partner’s words suddenly sound harsher than intended, and a small disagreement can turn into a long, exha

As a couples therapist, I see the same patterns show up again and again in long-term relationships. Different people, different histories, and different surface issues — but underneath all of that, most couples fall into one of four distinct relationship types. And if you don’t know which one you are, you might be trying to fix the wrong problem. In this post, I want to walk you through those four types, explain how they tend to handle conflict, and help you understand what