Conversations are Like a Game of Catch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTO0AHtldVY

When You’re Suddenly Not Talking About the Same Thing

Have you ever found yourself in a regular conversation with your partner, only to realize a few minutes later that you are no longer talking about the same thing, and now you are both upset? You might have started wanting to feel closer or more coordinated, and yet by the end you feel farther apart.

These moments can feel confusing and disproportionate. You replay the exchange and wonder how something so small turned into something so intense. In my work as a couples therapist, I see this often. What looks like a disagreement about logistics is usually about a pattern underneath it. The problem is rarely the topic. It is the way the conversation unfolds.

To make these patterns easier to see, I often use drawings. When we can see a pattern, we are less likely to blame each other for it.

A Small Request That Becomes a Big Reaction

Imagine a couple at the breakfast table talking about the schedule. One partner says, “It would be great if you could do the practice pick-up this time.” The request sounds simple. But almost immediately, the mood shifts. The other partner begins talking about how he doesn’t feel appreciated, about how he did two pick-ups last week, about how busy he is at work.

The first partner is confused. That was not what she meant. She tries to clarify, but he continues, describing how unseen he feels. Eventually he leaves the table, frustrated.

They were talking about a schedule. Now they are in a fight. How did that happen?

Most couples can identify with this kind of moment. They can replay it, but still struggle to name what went wrong.

Conversations as a Game of Catch

I think that conversations are like a game of catch. Before you can play, both people need to be ready. You can't just pelt them with your conversation balls!

When the game is working, one person “throws” something personal into the space between them — a request, a feeling, a concern. The other person’s first job is not to respond, but to catch. Catching means making sure you understood. It might involve reflecting back what you heard or asking a clarifying question. When the speaker feels understood, their ball goes into a “GOT IT” bucket.

Then other person can throw their own ball. The rhythm becomes throw, catch, confirm, and then add.

What Happens When No One Catches

Back at the breakfast table, when Yellow makes her request, she throws a ball. If Purple feels defensive and immediately responds with his own frustrations, he skips the catching step. Her ball drops. Now she tries to clarify, but she is also throwing. Soon there are balls everywhere, but nothing is being caught. Neither bucket is filling.

When the Temperature Rises

In calmer moments, a back-and-forth game of catch works well. But when intensity rises, the structure needs to change.

Instead of continuing casually, it can help to shift into “pitching practice.” One person speaks while the other focuses entirely on understanding. The roles are clear. The pitcher shares what is on their mind, and the catcher stays with that one topic until the pitcher feels fully understood. Only then do the roles switch.

When people feel fully caught, they are usually more open to catching in return.

When Words Have Spikes

Of course, this becomes harder when emotions are high. Sometimes people throw “spiky balls,” words delivered with sharpness or blame. These are difficult to catch without getting hurt.

Making a ball easier to catch does not mean minimizing your feelings. It means expressing them in a way that increases the chances they will land. And sometimes, if the spikes are too sharp, a pause is needed before trying again.

It’s Not About the Topic

If we revisit the breakfast conversation, the turning point was the moment defensiveness rose. That was the signal that the casual game of catch was no longer working.

With a small shift — slowing down, catching first, switching to pitching practice — the same request could have unfolded differently. Same people. Same topic. Different structure.

Many couples tell me they have communication problems. What I often see instead is a pattern problem. When the temperature rises, they keep playing catch when they would benefit from switching to pitching practice. The longer they play the wrong game, the more distance they feel.

The goal of conversation is not just to keep the ball moving. It is to fill both “GOT IT” buckets. Because two empty buckets feel like distance and two full buckets feel like connection.

If you would like to explore this further, I have another piece that looks at behaviors that interfere with catching and pitching well. You are welcome to read or watch that next!