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Why Conflict Goes Badly (and How to Do It Differently)
- larahammock
- Feb 2
- 3 min read
If you prefer to watch rather than read, you can watch the full video explanation here:
Conflict is one of the most common reasons people seek couples counseling — and yet most of us were never taught how to do it well. Some people get louder and more urgent. Some people give in to keep the peace. Others shut down or walk away entirely.
None of these responses feel good. And while they often get labeled as “communication problems,” they’re usually something else entirely. They are patterns — automatic ways we protect ourselves when we feel threatened, overwhelmed, or afraid of losing connection. In this blog, I'll give you a simple visual framework to see those patterns more clearly, because ance you start to see your pattern, you don’t have to keep repeating it.
The Door Between Us: A Simple Way to Understand Conflict
To explain these patterns, I use a visual metaphor I call The Door Between Us.
Imagine that each person in a relationship has their own room. Your room represents your sense of self — your thoughts, feelings, preferences, values, fears, and hopes. Your partner has their own room, with their own inner world.
Between those two rooms is a door. That door represents communication.
Healthy conflict requires two things at the same time:
staying in your own room (not abandoning yourself or controlling your partner), and
keeping the door open (so communication and connection can still happen).
When one of those breaks down, conflict stops working — even if both people care deeply about the relationship.
Three Ineffective Conflict Styles
Most people default to one (or more) of the following patterns under stress. They’re understandable, but they all backfire in different ways.
1. Pulling to Win
This is the pattern many people recognize first. It looks like:
arguing harder
explaining more
correcting, convincing, or pressuring
urgency to get agreement
The underlying hope is usually something like:“If you would just see it my way, everything would feel better.”
The problem is that pressure makes people defensive. When someone feels judged or pushed, their nervous system moves into protection — not connection. Trying harder often leads to the other person pulling away.
2. Choosing to Lose
This one is quieter and often gets mistaken for being “easy-going” or “loving.” It looks like:
giving in without saying much
minimizing your own needs
staying silent to avoid conflict
At first, this can feel like the safest option. But over time, your resentment can build.
When you consistently leave yourself out of the conversation, the relationship may stay calm — but it loses you. Many people who choose this pattern eventually feel invisible or unimportant, even though they were trying to keep the peace.
3. Shutting the Door
This pattern shows up as withdrawal or emotional cutoff. It can look like:
shutting down
refusing to talk
doing things unilaterally
lying or sneaking
becoming cold or contemptuous
Distance can sometimes help regulate overwhelming emotions, but when the door stays closed, nothing gets repaired. Problems don’t disappear — they just go underground.
People who rely on this pattern often feel lonely, even though they were trying to protect themselves.
The One Conflict Style That Builds Connection
There is an effective alternative.
The only conflict style that consistently builds connection is keeping the door open while staying in your own room. This means:
expressing your preferences without turning them into demands
being curious about your partner’s experience
allowing differences without needing immediate agreement
communicating without pulling, collapsing, or shutting down
When both people can stay grounded in themselves and remain in communication, something important happens. I call this the green glow of connection — the sense of being seen, respected, and emotionally present with one another.
You can’t demand that glow. You can only create the conditions for it.
What Keeping the Door Open Sounds Like
In everyday life, keeping the door open often sounds simple — though it isn’t always easy:
naming a preference instead of a criticism
staying curious a little longer than feels comfortable
noticing the urge to push, give up, or shut down — and pausing instead
This doesn’t require you to be perfectly calm or endlessly patient. It just requires you to stay present.
A Final Thought
Conflict isn’t a sign that something is wrong with your relationship. More often, it’s a sign that something important needs attention.
When you understand your conflict pattern — and learn how to stay in your room while keeping the door open — conflict becomes less damaging, less scary, and sometimes even connective.
If this framework was helpful, you can explore more visual explanations like this on my YouTube channel. And if you’d like help noticing when conflict is tipping into overwhelm, you can download my free Emotional Thermometer.
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