I developed this analogy with a former client who, as a child, was obsessed with Legos. The idea is that, on any given topic, we each have a lot of ideas, thoughts, feelings, preferences, previous experiences, pieces of identity, values, and dreams. Each of these things are the building blocks of our perspective on an issue. And each of these is represented in this analogy by a single Lego.
We all have these Legos in our pockets, and as we are communicating with our partner, we are taking Legos out, one at a time, and putting them on the table — sharing them. Sometimes, there can be Legos way deep down in our pockets that we weren’t even aware of. Having an open, curious, empathetic conversation allows us to dig deep into every pocket and pull out all of our Lego blocks, so that we can share them.
Sometimes we want to build a quick solution with only our Legos. And that can be fine! As long as we are the only ones involved.
However, it doesn’t work well if another person will be impacted by our solution -- after all, we haven’t considered any of their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives.
Phantom Legos
Maybe you are thinking, “I already know about all of their Legos!” I call these Phantom Legos. But did you ask them? Did you confirm that your assumptions are correct? Did you encourage them to share all of their Legos with you? If you haven't asked any questions, you probably don't know their whole perspective -- you are just assuming that you do.
Hiding Legos
Sometimes, we can be reluctant to put our own Lego blocks on the table. Maybe we came from families that didn’t seem to care what our thoughts, feelings, dreams, and preferences were. Or even worse, we were made to feel humiliated and ashamed if we shared. Perhaps we keep our Legos to ourselves and, as a result, our partner doesn’t really know what is important to us. It's not possible to build a good solution if many of the building blocks are hidden.
Flick Legos
Okay -- so, if you've built a partial solution only using your own Legos, your partner will let you know that it won’t work by finding ways to flick Legos off of your lovely design. I am sure you have had the experience of presenting a perfect solution only to have your boss, colleague, or friend poke holes in it or tell you all of the drawbacks? Basically you received a bunch of “yeah, buts”? That is usually a sign that you’ve prematurely built a solution without all of their Legos. And again, this is not always your fault! Some people really don’t want to share, but they sure like to flick Legos off your beautifully built solutions! If flicking Legos is a regular practice for them, it could be a sign of passive resistant behavior.
Lego stomping
If flicking escalates into solution stomping, where one party is constantly bashing a decision that was made, you have one of two situations. Either one partner did not share their Legos at all during the time of decision making and is unhappy with the solution in retrospect. Or one of you has built and enacted a unilateral solution while disregarding the Legos their partner has shared.
Instead of solutioning too fast, particularly if it is an important issue, ideally we would create an exploratory space for our partner. We would ask curious questions, empathize, and provide time and space for them to dig deep into their pockets and share all of their Legos.
Once all of the Legos are out on the table, only then can we start to build a collaborative solution with all the blocks from both partners. That Lego structure would accommodate and integrate all of the aspects of our perspectives and would be a collaborative solution where everyone felt heard and considered.
The moral of the story is -- spend more time sharing Legos and less time building premature solutions. You’ll save frustration and get to know what is most important to you both!
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