Have you been called passive aggressive before? Do you know what that means? How do you know if you are passive aggressive? And if you are, do you know why or how it might be holding you back?
In this blog post, I'll discuss passive aggressive behavior and thinking. I'll cover what childhood experiences are likely to create this type of behavior and how to shift to more active, healthy ways of interacting. I actually prefer the term passive resistant, since this style of behavior generally starts with resistance and doesn't always slide fully into aggression.
Before we dive in, let me give credit where credit is due. Any knowledge, learning, or information that I have on this topic has been given to me by the folks at the Couples Institute. Drs. Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson, who founded the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, have a lot of relational expertise, but have specifically taught multiple lessons on passive aggressive behavior and how it impacts relationships. So, thank you to them and to their teaching assistants, particularly Kelly Scharver and Katherine Waddell, who have presented and taught on this topic. Although I have plenty of experience dealing with people with passive resistant tendencies, I owe my understanding of that behavior to my training with the Couples Institute.
Passive Resistant Behavior
What does it mean to have passive resistant behavior? People who are passive resistant have a hard time saying "no" directly to requests or expectations. Instead, they resist complying through a bunch of passive means including: avoidance, procrastination, working very slowly, and missing deadlines. When confronted, they can be quite defensive and defiant. They can also distract from a direct conversation by using vague language, confusion, denial, changing topics, or nit picking about the question or characterization. They will complain that others have unrealistic expectations of them, but will meet every proposed solution with a "yes, but" or with outright rejection. They don't contribute their own ideas to solving problems and rarely initiate fun activities or buy things for themselves. They don't want to give what is requested of them, but won't say "no" directly. They can't say what they want, but they have a good sense of what they don't want. This resistant behavior can make spouses, co-workers, and family members very frustrated and angry.
Passive Resistant Thinking
People who use passive resistant behavior believe that other people are trying to control them. They often see a simple requests as demands. They are afraid of being engulfed and swallowed up by the expectations of others. This perception creates a power struggle with whomever is wanting something from them. They feel powerful resisting, but haven't learned how to be powerful through more direct means. They complain that they can't ever make people happy and they really believe that they are contributing more than they actually are. They can be defiant and resentful about being asked to change at all. The bottom line is that they do not want to change -- they just want relief and for people to stop trying to control them.
History and Early Decisions
One early childhood experience that can drive this kind of behavior is growing up in a household where it was either pointless or dangerous to ask for what you want. For many of these kids, they might have asked for something, but then received something else which was not quite right. When they reacted with disappointment, they were told that they were ungrateful for not appreciating what they got. So, when they took the emotional risk to ask for something, 1) they didn't get what they wanted and 2) they were shamed and sometimes humiliated when they expressed unhappiness. Many times they had a severely critical and punitive parent with high expectations. Because there was such a low probability of getting what they wanted, they learned to push down their own desires and stop wanting things. So, when they see someone who is direct about what they want, they view that behavior as suspicious and controlling. Passive resistant behavior is their way to maintain control and power without having to risk vulnerability or humiliation.
Drawbacks
Although this behavior might have been protective in childhood, in adulthood it gets in the way of having strong interpersonal relationships and of creating goals and pursuing them. These people can feel very stuck internally. What might be difficult about living this way?
The people closest to you are constantly irritated, unhappy, and disappointed in you. You feel like you are constantly letting people down.
You feel a constant cocktail of negative emotions: frustration, resentment, guilt, powerlessness, bitterness, insecurity, and loneliness.
You don't feel like you can ever get what you want. And frankly, you don't even know most the time what you do want.
Changing Behavior
Once you have decided that you no longer want to feel this way, you can start to access your internal motivation. And you will need lots of internal motivation it since these next steps take courage and emotional energy.
The first thing is to begin to say "no" directly. This can be frustrating for spouses and others since it feels like a step in the wrong direction, but it is foundational. You have to be able to say "no" before you can say "yes."
The next step is to begin to articulate some internal desires. You need to be careful to check and make sure these are things you actually want and not things others want from you -- or that you believe you "should" do. The process of determining this may be harder and take more work than you are expecting. One place to start is with leisure activities. Determine some things you might want to do and see how much internal resistance comes up when thinking about pursuing those goals.
The next step will be noticing when you are resisting or getting defensive. This will require that you cultivate some self awareness. When you feel yourself resisting or getting defensive, do some internal investigation and then attempt to say directly how you feel. It might be, "I really don't want to do this, but I'm willing to do this instead." Or "This is not something I'm willing to do." Or "I will do this, but I really don't want to and I would like to get some credit for doing it anyway." The key is to figure out how you are feeling and actually say it directly without showing it indirectly with your attitude or behavior.
And finally, begin taking care of yourself! Do some things you want to do and enjoy them. When you are unhappy, notice it. And then take steps to determine how to process your feelings and actively change things in your life so that you are identifying proactive goals and working towards them.
Each of these steps sounds simple in theory, but there is a lot of emotional work involved -- particularly in steps 3 and 4. For this reason, you may want to seek out help from a therapist as you begin to make changes. Let me know what you think in the comments below and thanks for reading!
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