Many of the couples that I work with come in with really one goal -- each person wants to change their partner. If their partner would just change, their relationship would be so much better! Unfortunately, in my experience, this is not a strategy that works. Instead, I think it's helpful to think of relationship growth as a 3 legged race.
Remember that race during field day in elementary school? Everyone picks a friend, stands next to them, and ties their closest legs together. So, each person has a free outside leg and the leg tied to your partner is considered the 3rd leg. The goal is to get across the finish line faster than the other couples using your “3 legs” to move.
Here is why I think it's a good analogy for relationship growth. As a couple, we are actually tied to our partner in the context of our relationship. Our journey to relationship health can only go as fast as our partnership will allow us. However, it is important to note that we do have complete control over our one free leg. The other leg – the one that’s tied to our partner – we can influence, but is not something we can completely control. And we have no control at all over our partner's free leg.
Step forward on your free leg
I would say that the most important thing you can do in couples therapy is take an independent step forward on your free leg. Once you are there, your job is to stabilize yourself and shift your balance to this forward position. In more concrete terms, this step forward is any autonomous, relationship-oriented goal — any steps towards being your best, most healthy, relational self. I’ll give some examples of this in a moment, but regardless of how far we may have come, we can all brush up our skills on being in relationship with each other. We might behave really well in most situations, but find it challenging when there is a lot at stake or are emotionally activated. Here are some examples of autonomous steps forward:
holding your tongue when you feel defensive,
choosing to ask a curious question rather than have a big reaction,
rephrasing that reflexive bit of criticism before it comes out of your mouth,
staying when you would normally leave the room,
saying what bothers you instead of people pleasing, or
speaking up when normally you would shut down or withdraw.
These are just a handful of examples, but each of us has some behaviors that contribute to unhealthy dynamics. Whatever it is for you, take that emotional risk to change, step forward independently with your free leg, and then really stabilize, and shift your balance onto that leg. And by that I mean practice, practice, practice. Put yourself in challenging situations and continue to build that muscle and stabilize your new developmental skill.
Just a word about taking a step independently — that means that your action does not depend on your partner. This step is completely unconnected to their actions. They might have terrible behavior — call you names, pout, throw a temper tantrum, give you the silent treatment. None of that matters. Taking your own independent step forward is not dependent on them. After all, you only have control over your free leg. You can’t control their free leg, nor can you control your shared leg if they are resisting forward progress. All you can do, is do your best with your free leg.
Shifts the weight distribution
Once you have taken your step forward and shifted your balance, it changes the weight distribution in your partnership. In my experience, it almost always highlights the work your partner needs to do to catch up! You have now stabilized and shifted your balance forward so that they have to work harder to do nothing. I worked with a couple where the wife would have a panic attack every time they had conflict. Once she was able to get her panic attacks under control, it revealed that he needed to work on his defensiveness. Until she stepped forward, he was able to hide out without making any effort to change. Only after she shifted did his negative contribution become more clear. Each step forward that you make reveals your partner’s deficits and challenges.
Pull the partnership forward together
Once your partner has also stepped forward, stabilized, and shifted their balance, only then can you pull the tied together 3rd leg along with you. This is the work of relationships. One person individually shifts, their partner shifts to catch up, both stabilize and rebalance, and then the relationship changes and grows as a result.
Common issues
Unfortunately, not every partner is willing to do their own autonomous work. Here are some common complaints:
“Why should I have to change when my partner is so badly behaved?” I get it! Some people have truly egregious behavior. But standing still and waiting for your partner to change is a good way to never get off of the starting line. All you can control is moving your own free leg forward. If you don't work on this, you will be stuck waiting indefinitely.
“I won’t change until he does.” See the above explanation. I try really, really hard not to work with couples where both people feel like this. There is no room for growth and change in this kind of system.
“I’ve been pulling us along this whole time! I’m done working hard.” I do think that some partners have done much more emotional work in the relationship. And it doesn’t seem fair to continue to ask that person to do more work. This is true, and also, pulling your partner along is actually not healthy relationship behavior. It’s more about changing yourself, shifting, rebalancing, and doing your own work while they scramble to catch up. There are some hilarious YouTube videos showing couples doing the 3 legged race where one person is literally dragging the other around. It’s funny, but it’s kind of dangerous and it’s ultimately not effective — these couples rarely win the race or even make it over the finish line.
Winning strategy
The best couples I work with are ones where EACH partner is focused on doing their own work. Right now, I’m working with a couple where the female partner is working on not controlling her partner’s behavior and the male partner is working on regulating his own emotions without her. They both went through an uncomfortable stage, but are now stabilizing and shifting and have pulled the 3rd leg to catch up — meaning that their relationship is benefiting from these independent steps forward.
These are the couples that grow the fastest. Each partner is focused on their own work and being their own best self and they are creating a good rhythm of growth and change in the relationship. These are also the couples that win the 3 legged race — those who are moving their free legs independently, but simultaneously, and then pulling the 3rd leg forward together. This rhythm of simultaneous, independent work, followed by joint effort is how you can quickly and effectively move towards the finish line of a healthier relationship.
I'd love to know what you think. Comments are always appreciated and thanks for reading!
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