I Never Thought of It That Way by Monica Guzman - My Summary & Takeaways

larahammock
May 6
3 min read

Updated: May 7

Why This Book Matters Now

I first encountered Mónica Guzmán at the Psychotherapy Networker Conference earlier this year, where she spoke alongside Esther Perel and Bill Doherty about bridging political divides. What stood out to me was her unique perspective: As a liberal journalist with Mexican immigrant parents who voted for Trump, she’s had to live the challenge of loving and understanding people with radically different beliefs.

Her book, I Never Thought of It That Way, is a guide to having meaningful conversations across ideological divides—something that feels especially urgent (and daunting) in today’s polarized climate. I’ll admit, this topic might feel unwelcome right now. With so much pain stemming from political decisions, it’s hard to imagine engaging with those who seem to uphold policies we view as cruel or unjust.

But here’s the truth: Democracy only works if we can talk to each other. If we want to steward this country’s future, we have to learn how to communicate—even when it’s uncomfortable.

Why This Resonates With Me

Growing up in a rural, predominantly white, conservative, and Christian community, I often felt like an outsider. Yet the friendships I formed there—built on mutual curiosity—saved me from isolation. Now, as a couples therapist, I coach people daily on navigating high-stakes disagreements with their partners. The same skills that save relationships can heal our fractured society.

Book Structure & Core Idea

Guzmán frames political polarization as the "meta-problem" that exacerbates all others. She identifies three key behaviors driving division, summed up in her acronym SOS:

Sorting (sticking with like-minded people)
Othering (viewing opposing beliefs as morally wrong)
Siloing (existing in echo chambers that distort reality)

The antidote? Curiosity—specifically, chasing those “I never thought of it that way” moments that shift perspectives.

10 Key Takeaways

1. Sorting: The Comfort Trap

We gravitate toward people who think like us. Guzmán shares a striking example: When Congress shifted to a 3-day workweek in the 1990s, lawmakers stopped socializing across party lines. Families no longer moved to D.C., kids didn’t play together, and bipartisan friendships eroded. The result? A Congress that can’t collaborate.

Lesson: Seek out disagreement. Like GM CEO Alfred P. Sloan, who postponed decisions until his team could "develop disagreement," we need diversity of thought to make better choices.

2. Othering: When Empathy Backfires

"Othering" happens when we dismiss opposing views as not just different, but despicable. Shockingly, a 2020 study found that highly empathetic people were more likely to feel anger—and even schadenfreude—toward political opponents.

Lesson: Empathy alone isn’t enough. We must pair it with humility.

3. Siloing: The Echo Chamber Effect

Siloing distorts reality by shielding us from challenging ideas. Without exposure to differing views, we crave simplicity over truth.

Lesson: Diversify your media diet. If your newsfeed never unsettles you, you’re in a silo.

4. The Two Types of Curiosity

Deprivation-based: Short-lived (e.g., needing to recall a fact).
Interest-based: Open-ended and exploratory.

Lesson: Cultivate interest-based curiosity—ask, "Tell me more about why you see it that way."

5. The Traction Dial: 5 Keys to Productive Conversations

Before diving into tough talks, check:

Time (Is there enough?)
Attention (Are both parties focused?)
Parity (Is power balanced?)
Containment (Is the setting private?)
Embodiment (Are you in person? Phone > text.)

Lesson: Avoid hard conversations on social media. Opt for face-to-face when possible.

6. People Are Mysteries, Not Puzzles

Puzzles have solutions; people don’t. Approach others with wonder, not the expectation of "figuring them out."

7. We Don’t Choose Our Opinions

Beliefs emerge from lived experience. Guzmán’s Star Wars-loving husband couldn’t suddenly switch to Star Trek fandom—just as we can’t flip core beliefs on demand.

8. "The Shortest Distance Between Two People Is a Story"

Values stem from personal narratives. To understand someone, listen to their stories.

9. Underlying Values Clash—And That’s Okay

Psychologist Shalom Schwartz identifies 10 universal values (e.g., security, freedom, fairness). Conflicts arise when values compete (e.g., post-9/11 liberty vs. safety trade-offs).

Lesson: Identify shared values—even if priorities differ.

10. Ask "Raw Questions"

Strip accusations and frustrations from your questions. Instead of "How could you support that policy?" try "What experiences shaped your view on this?"

Critiques & Final Thoughts

While I loved this book, I wish Guzmán had spent more time on emotional regulation. Hard conversations often fail because emotions run too hot (I advise clients not to engage if their intensity is above 5/10).

That said, I Never Thought of It That Way is a vital read. For deeper work, check out Braver Angels, an organization co-founded by Bill Doherty that facilitates cross-partisan dialogues.

Have you read this book? What resonated with you? Comment below!