Not Every Lie Is Gaslighting: The Four Rungs of the Lie Ladder

https://youtu.be/WzwP_C-S3Ec?si=qAyk8gQoM0jTK-nr

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below.

Almost every lie gets called gaslighting now, but that label is often inaccurate. There are many different types of lies — gaslighting is at an extreme end. I use the metaphor of a Lie Ladder to separate the different types of lies. It shows what each kind of lie is trying to accomplish, what it takes away from the other person, and how far it pulls you from reality.

Shared Reality

At the bottom of the Lie Ladder is Shared Reality. This is the solid ground a couple creates when both people honestly share what they remember, what they want, and what they did. I like the term Shared Reality rather than Truth because two people will not always remember things in exactly the same way. Perspective, attention, emotion, and motivation all affect what a person notices and remembers.

Every lie is a step away from the ground of Shared Reality. 

Before the Ladder

Orange: “You just rolled your eyes when I was talking.”

Green: “No, I didn’t.”

Orange is certain that she saw it. Green honestly does not remember doing it. Maybe the eye roll was automatic. Maybe Green was distracted. Maybe Orange misread his expression. Either way, they don’t see eye to eye (haha).

This is Disagree, and it doesn’t even belong on the ladder since a lie requires at least some awareness that you are giving false information.  Two people can remember the same moment differently without either one of them choosing to deceive the other. 

Lie Ladder: Rung 1

Orange: “You want to go to the movies tonight too, right?”

Green: “Yeah, I do. That sounds great.”

Green actually wants to go bowling. He does not feel strongly enough about it to risk disappointing Orange, so he hides his preference. He is trying to make the interaction easier and avoid a small amount of tension.

This is Smooth, the first rung of the ladder.

If Green regularly hides what he wants, Orange gets to know the agreeable version of him rather than the real one. Over time, Green may also lose touch with his own preferences because he is so used to setting them aside.

Lie Ladder: Rung 2

Orange: “Did you cancel that subscription?”

Green: “Yeah. I took care of it.”

He actually did not. The question brings up a familiar wave of shame: I messed up again. Green gives a quick lie because he wants to avoid admitting the mistake and dealing with Orange’s reaction.

This is Cover, the second rung of the ladder.

For Orange, the problem is now bigger than the subscription. Now she also has to wonder whether Green’s answers can be trusted. Repair requires Green to admit what happened and learn to tolerate making a mistake without covering it up.

Lie Ladder: Rung 3

Orange: “How much is that jacket you want to buy?”

Green: “It’s on sale for only $80.”

The jacket actually costs $300. Green lies because he expects Orange to object to the real price, but now she can’t participate in the decision since she hasn’t been given real information.

This is Deceive, the third rung of the ladder.

Its purpose is to bypass an objection, violate an agreement, or keep access to something the person does not want to give up.  Cover and Deceive can look very similar. Cover is usually an attempt to avoid the consequences of something that has already happened. Deceive changes the information so the other person cannot participate in decision-making. 

Lie Ladder: Rung 4

Green: “I found a hotel receipt from last Tuesday. You told me you were working late.”

Orange: “That isn’t my receipt.”

Green: “It has your name on it.”

Orange: “You are seeing what you want to see.”

Green: “I called the hotel.”

Orange: “What is wrong with you? You’re obsessed. You need help.”

Orange first denies the evidence. Then she attacks Green’s interpretation. Finally, she attacks his ability to judge reality. Green is now defending his own sanity while still trying to find out what happened at the hotel.

This is Gaslighting, the fourth and highest rung of the ladder.

Gaslighting is a pattern of denying and distorting reality until another person begins to doubt their own perception. In Deceive, the person wants you to believe a false story. In Gaslighting, they also use your confusion as evidence that something is wrong with you. Your questions become proof that you are jealous, paranoid, unstable, or obsessed.

If someone repeatedly lies, changes the story, and then uses your confusion as proof that you are crazy or unstable, outside support is important.

How to Tell the Difference

The label is less useful than the pattern that follows.  Return to the eye-roll example:

Orange: “You rolled your eyes.”

Green: “No, I didn’t.”

Those two sentences alone do not tell us what happened. Green may genuinely have no memory of doing it (Disagree). He may remember and deny it because he wants to avoid an argument (Cover). He may also begin attacking Orange’s perception whenever she notices behavior he does not want to acknowledge (Gaslighting).

The real question is — can Green leave room for the possibility that Orange noticed something he missed? Does he admit the truth when more information appears? Or does he keep changing the story and use Orange’s confusion against her?

His response often tells you more than the label.

Be a Gracious Truth Receiver

But what about the person hearing the truth?  Do they have a job too?  How they react affects whether honesty can survive in the relationship. Healthy relationships need both a Brave Truth Teller and a Gracious Truth Receiver.

A Brave Truth Teller tells the truth even when it may be poorly received. A Gracious Truth Receiver responds to the truth without retaliation, victimization, or manipulation.

If the liar can start to tell the truth even when honesty is not well received.  And the receiver can hear the truth without punishing it, that is how a couple begins to stay on the ground of Shared Reality.

For more illustrated explanations of relationship patterns like this one, visit my YouTube channel: The Illustrating Therapist.