Can Your Partner Actually Change?

An illustrated guide to the six capacities that make change possible

https://youtu.be/EPQ7Uw4MwVc

Most relationship problems can be worked on — you can learn to communicate differently, become less defensive, manage anger better, or change a behavior that has been causing problems.  But all of that requires a willingness and capacity to change.

 I look for six things when I am trying to figure out whether someone is really capable of change — these elements spell the word  ASPIRE.  You don’t need a perfect score in all six — you just   need enough to get started.

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below.

Same Argument. Very Different Response. Here are two couples who have had the same argument, and in each one, one partner has said something harsh. Now we see them the next day. 

Yellow: “I did not like the way you spoke to me last night.”

Blue: “I said I was sorry! I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

Green: “I did not like the way you spoke to me last night.”

Orange: “I’m sorry. What was it exactly that bothered you?”

Both partners apologized, but one apology closed the conversation and the other left things open. 

When I’m trying to understand whether someone is capable of change, I look at three larger questions:

Can they stay open when they feel bad about themselves or feel wronged?

Do they take responsibility and keep working when nobody is making them?

Do they have enough stability and mental space to do the work?

ASP - Strong Self

The first three letters of ASPIRE help to determine whether there is a strong enough sense of self.  Emotional change can be hard, so having a strong sense of who you are and how to care for yourself is a requirement for change.

A — Accept & Appreciate Self

Can you see a mistake without turning it into a verdict on who you are?Blue hears, “I didn’t like the way you spoke to me,” and quickly gets pulled into shame:

I always ruin everything.

I’m such a bad partner.

She’d probably be better off without me.

Yellow was trying to talk about how Blue treated her, and suddenly she is having to reassure him that he isn’t terrible.  Someone who is able to accept and appreciate themselves has a little more room to say, “I really don’t like hearing this about myself, but I want to understand what happened.”

S — Self Support

Change requires the ability to steady yourself while doing something difficult.  Maybe Orange immediately wants to explain herself, but she can remind herself that hearing Green’s complaint doesn’t require her to agree with every part of it. She can encourage herself to listen, can calm herself down, and support herself as she hears what he has to say.

Self support means that you can give yourself compassion, encouragement, and protection when you are doing something difficult.

P — Process Emotions

Sometimes a person needs time before they can do this well.  Blue may initially be too flooded with shame or anger to hear anything.  Processing emotions means he can eventually unwind his reaction, understand all of the complex feelings he is having, and make sense of what he is feeling. 

The ability to Accept & Appreciate yourself, Support yourself, and Process Emotions creates a Strong Self, which gives you enough internal strength to stay open and persevere during difficulty.

IR - Readiness for Change

The second two letters of ASPIRE help to determine whether you are open to and ready for change. 

I — Internal Motivation

After Yellow’s reaction, Blue may work very hard to be less critical. Then the crisis passes, and his effort fades.

Orange, on the other hand, keeps thinking about the problem after Green stops talking about it. She brings it up in therapy. She practices noticing the moment when she starts feeling frustrated.  Green doesn’t have to keep pushing her because Orange has her own reasons for wanting to change.

Long-term change becomes much more likely when the person is internally motivated.

R — Recognize Contribution

Yellow and Orange both had the same complaint: “I felt like you were talking down to me last night.”  Now listen to the two different responses.

Blue: “I only spoke that way because you weren’t listening. And you were being rude too.”Orange: “I was frustrated, and I wasn’t very nice to you. I can see why that felt awful.”

Recognizing your own contribution means being able to look at your own piece of a problem without immediately making excuses or getting defensive. 

Having Internal Motivation and Recognizing your Contribution work together to show a readiness for change.

E - Room for Growth 

You can understand exactly what needs to change and genuinely want to do the work — and still have very little capacity available for it.  Someone dealing with active addiction may be consumed by the addiction itself. A couple in the first stages of affair recovery may spend enormous amounts of energy simply stabilizing the relationship. A major medical emergency can take over daily life.  

E — Environmental Stability

Environmental Stability asks: Is there enough room in this person’s life to practice something new?

You Only Need About 20%

You don’t need a perfect ASPIRE score.  You can struggle with shame. You can have trouble processing emotions. You can miss your contribution to an argument until much later.  People who are capable of change still get defensive and repeat old patterns.

 You only need enough to get started, which I think is about 20% in each of these capacities. You need at least some ability to see and appreciate yourself, regulate your emotions, see your part, and support yourself. 20% is enough to get started. 

A Quick ASPIRE Check

When you are trying to assess capacity for change, use these questions as a starting point:

A — Accept & Appreciate Self

Can they make a mistake without collapsing into shame or defending themselves at all costs?

S — Self Support

Can they steady and encourage themselves when hearing difficult feedback, going through hard times, or trying something challenging?

P — Process Emotions

If they become overwhelmed, can they work through the reaction, regulate their emotions, and understand all of their complex feelings?

I — Internal Motivation

Do they possess an internal desire to make changes?

R — Recognize Contribution

Can they identify their own part without immediately making excuses or getting defensive?

E — Environmental Stability

Do they currently have enough stability, time, and mental space to practice something new?

You aren’t looking for six perfect yeses. You’re just looking for a place to begin.

For more illustrated explanations of relationship patterns like this one, visit my YouTube channel: The Illustrating Therapist.