.png)
How We Spin Ourselves Up During an Argument
How emotional activation changes changes your thinking and language
If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below.
On Season 4 of The Ultimatum, Ashley and Blake had some confusing drama. They each accused the other of manipulation, gaslighting, disrespect, attacks, and by the end they could barely have a civil conversation.
They also started their biggest argument already a little bit confused and activated. Ashley had asked for space after some outside drama exploded. She meant that she wanted to keep the drama out of their trial marriage. Blake thought she wanted time alone, so he gave her a lot of space and didn't answer her texts. Ashley started to suspect that he was spending time with his ex, Haley.
By the time they sat down to talk, Ashley had had a lot of time to think about what Blake might have been doing. She told him:"I know you were with Haley the past two days."
And from there, things went downhill fast.
What interested me about their arguments was that both of them were trying really hard to get the other person to understand them. At the same time, the language they were using was making that pretty much impossible. Ashley had a good word for it: heightened.
I like that word, so I'm stealing it.
When a Complaint Gets Heightened
Ashley had plenty of raw material she could have brought into the conversation. Blake had been gone. He wasn't answering her messages. She was worried, suspicious, alone, and maybe feeling a little insecure.
She could have said, "I wanted you to answer me," or asked him where he had been. Instead, her suspicion became certainty: "I know you were with Haley."
That certainty immediately put Blake on the defensive. As their conversation went on, both of them started using increasingly heightened language: disrespectful, attacking my integrity, trying to act like I'm an idiot, manipulative, gaslighting, using my vulnerability, red flag, victimizing, deflecting, and attacking.
I see people do this in my therapy room all the time.
This is my Emotional Thermometer. It goes from zero to 10. Zero is totally calm, and 10 is about as upset and activated as you will ever be.
Along with our emotions, our thinking changes as we get activated. The more activated we become, the more intense our thoughts tend to become.
Something may begin as simply different from what we expected.
Then: I don't like that.
With more activation: That's wrong.
Then: That's bad.
Then: That's immoral.
And eventually we assign malicious intent: You did this because you were trying to upset me, control me, deceive me, or make me feel stupid.
The farther we move up the thermometer, the more black and white we become about what our partner's behavior means and why they did it.
Why Do We Heighten?
One reason we use heightened language is that we don't trust that our preference is enough.
"I didn't like that" can feel kind of flimsy. "I wanted you to answer me" feels vulnerable. So does saying you were jealous, worried, disappointed, or insecure.
When we want to make a stronger case, heightened language can make our complaint feel more valid. We're trying to persuade our partner that our reaction is justified, and at the same time, we are also persuading ourselves.
But once I start calling you disrespectful or manipulative, I'm also making myself more upset. Your partner doesn't need to be wrong to justify your preference. "I didn't like that" is enough to bring up a topic. So is "I wanted something different."
How We Spin Ourselves Up
One issue with heightened language is the internal feedback loop. Something bothers me. I give it a harsher interpretation, so I feel more wronged. My temperature rises, and my thinking gets harsher. Now I'm more likely to assign malicious intent, which makes my next interpretation even harsher.
Something bothers me→ harsher interpretation→ feel more wronged→ temperature rises→ thinking gets harsher→ harsher interpretation
At this point, I'm spinning myself up. The higher my activation, the harsher my interpretation. The harsher my interpretation and language, the more activated I become. Round and round I go. And that's only what's happening inside one person.
Emotional Contagion
Add Another Person and You Get Fireworks
Ashley says:
"I know you were with Haley."
Blake doesn't recognize himself in the accusation, so he gets activated and defensive. Instead of simply saying, "That's not true," he describes what she's doing as an "attack on my integrity."
Now Ashley doesn't agree with his accusation. She gets more activated. Her language gets stronger: he's acting like she's an idiot, he's being aggressive, he's being manipulative. Both loops feed each other.
Now they have two problems. Each person is becoming more activated internally while also using harsh language with someone whose emotional temperature is rising too.
Conversation Catch
I think of conversations like a game of catch. Depending on your activation level, you need to play a different type of game.
0-2: Casual Catch
When you're in the green zone and feeling pretty calm, a casual game of catch works fine. Each person can throw. Each person can catch.
3-5: Pitching Practice
Once you enter the stressed-out yellow zone, switch to pitching practice.
One person throws and one person catches. The catcher makes sure they really understand what the other person is trying to say. Once they do, they can put that ball into their GOT IT bucket. GOT IT means: "I understand what you're telling me."
Pitching practice may last a while. One person may have a lot of balls to throw. Once they feel fully understood, they almost always have more capacity to catch. That is when you switch. You can fill your GOT IT bucket while still having a different perspective.
6+: Leave and Regulate
Above a five, stop trying to catch or throw. Regulate your emotions first. Return to the conversation when your temperature has dropped enough that you have some capacity to listen again.
Ashley and Blake came into their conversation highly activated. They interrupted, corrected and defended. Both were throwing at the same time, no one was catching, balls were everywhere. When they didn't feel understood, they started throwing spiky balls, which is what I call balls with heightened language.
You Don't Have to Catch a Spiky Ball
Being a good catcher doesn't mean you have to catch anything your partner throws at you.
The thrower is responsible for throwing a reasonably catchable ball: not too fast, not too hard, and not too spiky. The catcher has to make a reasonable effort to understand.
During pitching practice, you can ask for a different pitch:
"That was hard for me to hear. Could you say that a little differently?"
"Could you tell me how you felt about it?"
"Could you use more I statements?"
Once either person reaches a six or above, stop — nobody has enough capacity to play catch well.
The next time you're in an argument and you hear yourself using words like "disrespectful," "attacking," "manipulative," or "gaslighting," check your emotional temperature and make sure you are playing the right game.
For more illustrated explanations of relationship patterns like this one, visit my YouTube channel: The Illustrating Therapist
Comments