Let’s Talk about Sex

https://youtu.be/Kl2gB7g1EvQ

I recently responded to a Reddit post from a woman who said that sex with her partner was usually great when it was spontaneous and playful, but recently, he has been watching her face closely, and asking, "Do you like that?" She knows he is trying to be attentive. Unfortunately, this scrutiny has had the opposite effect on her. She becomes hyper-aware of herself, starts feeling like she is being graded, and her body shuts down.

If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below.

The "More, More" Cycle

I felt for both of them because I can see how easily a couple can get into this pattern. He feels uncertain, so he checks with her. She feels watched, so she shuts down. He sees her becoming less responsive and gets even more uncertain, which makes him want to check again. In couples therapy, I call this a "the more, the more" cycle: the more one person does something, the more the other person reacts, which gives the first person even more reason to keep doing it.

Why Sex Feels So Personal

Sex adds an extra layer of difficulty because differences in this area can feel incredibly personal. For monogamous couples, sex is generally the one thing they have agreed to do only with each other. At the same time, two people can have very different preferences about frequency, initiation, pace, and context. A simple preference can quickly stir up much bigger questions: Am I attractive enough? Am I good at this? Does my partner actually want me? Has something changed between us?

Those questions can make people self-conscious and defensive, but couples still need to have these conversations if they want to maintain a healthy sex life.

Dual Control Model

One model I use to make these conversations easier is the Dual Control Model of sexual response*. It describes sexual response as the interaction of two partly independent systems: sexual excitation and sexual inhibition. People vary in how readily each system responds.

I like to draw those systems as two dimmer switches. One dimmer switch is the accelerator, or sexual excitation system. It sends "go" signals. Some people have a very responsive or sensitive accelerator, so relatively small cues may be enough to spark interest. Other people need more input, more warm-up, more privacy, fewer unfinished tasks, or simply more time before that system gets going.

The second dimmer switch is the brake, or sexual inhibition system. It responds to reasons to slow down or stop sexual response. A sensitive brake may react quickly to stress, feeling watched, conflict with your partner, an intrusive thought, or hearing a child moving around upstairs. Someone with a less sensitive brake may have an easier time staying engaged when distractions come up.

The brake is doing a protective job. Sexual inhibition gives us a way to respond when the situation feels unsafe, distracting, uncomfortable, or simply wrong for us. Having a sensitive brake does not mean that your sexual response is defective, just as having a less sensitive brake does not make someone more sexual or more interested in their partner. 

Where Are You on the Dimmer Switches?

Because these two systems vary somewhat independently, people can fall in many different places on both dimmer switches. One person might have a sensitive accelerator and a sensitive brake, so sexual interest comes fairly easily and can also disappear fairly easily. Another person may take longer to get interested while having a less brake that is harder to activate. These combinations are useful examples for understanding the model, rather than four fixed sexual "types." Most of us fall somewhere along both spectrums.  Where we fall can also shift depending on what is happening in our lives.

Curiosity Changes the Conversation

This model is especially useful with couples since it tends to shift the conversation into curiosity. Instead of staying stuck in "Why don't you want sex more often?" or "Why do you always get distracted?", the questions can be more curious: What tends to get your accelerator going? What hits your brake? Does spontaneity help you, or do you need more transition time? Does direct feedback feel connective, or does it make you feel scrutinized?

That kind of curiosity can be especially helpful when one partner's way of managing anxiety is accidentally hits the other person's brake. In the Reddit couple, his check-ins may have helped him feel more certain that he was being attentive. For her, those same questions created pressure. Once they can see that pattern, they can make the changes that work best for them.

Let’s Talk about Sex

I would have a couple like this talk outside the bedroom, when nobody is already feeling exposed or anxious. Each person can describe what helps their accelerator and what tends to hit their brake. They can also mark where they think they fall on each dimmer switch, knowing that this is simply a rough way to reflect on their experience rather than a clinical assessment.

Then they can choose one small experiment. Maybe they agree on fewer verbal check-ins during sex. Maybe they come up with a couple of simple words or gestures for "keep going," "change something," or "pause." Then they can try it and talk again later about how it went.

I made a short Sexual Accelerator & Brake worksheet to help couples start that conversation. You can each fill it out separately, compare answers, and choose one small thing to try together.

The more you understand how each other works, the easier it becomes to build a sex life that works well for both of you.

Bancroft, J., & Janssen, E. (2000). The dual control model of male sexual response: A theoretical approach to centrally mediated erectile dysfunction. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 24(5), 571–579. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0149-7634(00)00024-5

Nagoski, E. (2021). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life (Rev. and updated ed.). Simon & Schuster.

For more illustrated explanations of relationship patterns like this one, visit my YouTube channel: The Illustrating Therapist.