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Decision Paralysis
What to Do When You Can't Make a Decision
If you’d like the full explanation, you can watch the YouTube video above. If reading is easier, I’ve included a shortened illustrated guide below.
Sometimes anxiety can make even a small decision feel impossible. You pick one option and immediately regret it. So you switch to the other one, and then you regret that one too. Both choices feel uncertain.
Thinking can be useful at first. You can think about the facts, the possible consequences, how much something will cost, how urgent it is, or whether there are any alternatives. Eventually, even though there isn't new information, your brain won’t stop.
That is where I think anxiety sneakily offers you a really tempting third choice.
The Mythical Third Choice
Rather than choosing between Option A and Option 2, which are both uncertain, Anxiety offers a mythical Choice C: keep thinking until you reach certainty.
You spin out every scenario. You research one more thing. You ask for advice again. You wait for that internal feeling of, "Yes. This is definitely right." You begin to believe that if you think hard enough, you'll be able to think yourself to certainty.
Can You Handle the Outcome?
There is another reason you can get stuck, and I think it's important to tell the difference. Sometimes the potential consequences feel bigger than you can handle. This is not about certainty, but about capacity.
What is the outcome I’m afraid of? And can I handle it?
Maybe you are afraid of rejection and don't have much social support. Maybe you are thinking about leaving a job and you don't have enough savings yet. Maybe you are afraid your mental health isn’t strong enough to handle the repercussions of your choice.
If you can't handle the outcome yet, it pays to build more capacity. If you don't want to leave a relationship because you don't have a strong enough friendship network, perhaps work on making some friends first. If the financial risk feels too big, perhaps you need more savings first.
Try to match the risk to your capacity. If you have a small amount of capacity, take a small risk. If you have a lot of capacity, you can handle a bigger one.
Information after the Decision
I use Google Maps all the time because I have a terrible sense of direction. If I'm standing in the middle of a city with big buildings all around me, Google Maps may tell me, "Head toward E Street."
But how am I supposed to know which direction E Street is?
I can stand there with my phone, looking around for a sign or I can start walking. Once I move, Google Maps turns that little location marker into an arrow and shows me which direction I'm actually heading.
Sometimes I find out that I'm going the wrong way. Fine. I turn around.
I have to make a decision to start walking. Decisions sometimes give you data that thinking can't give you. Even going the wrong way gives you information so that you can correct your course.
I do a tiny version of this when I'm ordering at a restaurant. I can hold three options in my head for a long time, but when the server comes over, whatever pops out of my mouth is what I order. Once I say it out loud, I often have an immediate reaction. Sometimes it's, "Yep, that's exactly what I want." Sometimes it's, "Nope. I want something else instead."
In both situations, making a choice gives me information.
Regret Is Part of Deciding
I think a lot of us have a secret desire to make decisions without the possibility of regret. That makes decisions much harder, because choosing always creates the possibility of regret.
Sometimes we choose poorly. Sometimes we make a reasonable choice and have a bad outcome. Sometimes new information comes in afterward and we regret the decision we made.
Regret is a really important emotion. It contains both the sadness about what happened and also some amount of self-blame, but it also gives us information. It can reveal our desires, our priorities, our values, and consequences we didn't fully understand when we made the choice.
It’s important to honor our regret by using that information to make decisions in the future.
Decisions as Micro-Experiments
I once worked with a client who very much wanted to find a partner. He also wanted zero rejection and zero failed dates. Unfortunately, finding the right person is a whole process. You have to kiss a lot of frogs.
So I told him to create a failure matrix and get to work.
We celebrated every rejection and every failed date. Each attempt gave him some information. Who do I like? Who likes me? Which relationships work for me, and why? He was also learning that rejection was survivable, as long as he had the capacity to handle it.
This is why I like the idea of micro-experiments. Instead of trying to make one perfect decision about your whole future, make the smallest decision that can give you some useful information. Then see what happens.
What to Do When You're Stuck
First, name Choice A and Choice B. Then catch yourself when your brain creates that mythical Choice C: "If I think long enough, I’ll reach certainty."
Now look at Option A. What is the outcome you are most afraid of? Do the same thing with Option B.
Then ask yourself: Can I handle either outcome?
If the answer is no, build some capacity or take a smaller risk. If the answer is yes, look for the smallest useful experiment. What choice could you make that would give you some new information?
Use those micro-experiments to collect data. Pay attention to your preferences and to whatever feelings come afterward: relief, regret, disappointment, surprise. Those feelings can help you make the next decision.
Decide by Deciding
You might be stuck because you're asking a decision to give you certainty that it just can't give you. Or the risk might be too big for you right now, and you need to make it smaller or strengthen your ability to handle the outcome.
Make a small decision. Make a bad decision. Learn something, and then make another small decision.
For more illustrated explanations of relationship patterns like this one, visit my YouTube channel: The Illustrating Therapist
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